Get off your ass, holiday shoppers.

The day after Christmas, I was bored and tried to return something at Best Buy. Bad idea. The parking lot was jammed. No spaces and plenty of cars with blinkers hoping to get spaces. If the economy was in trouble, you wouldn’t know it by looking in this store. Packed. Long check out lines. I didn’t wait for a parking spot. I parked next door – at Sports Authority. Plenty of places to park. The store that sold DVDs, Blue Rays, Wiis, video games and all kinds of shit for you to do at home sitting on your ass was overloaded with customers. The sporting goods store was slow. 

Don’t make me spell it out. Put down the remote and go outside. You have a better chance meeting women at the gym or at the park than you do playing with your electronic devices at home. 

Even if you don’t, you still went outside. You boosted your endorphins – so you’re happier and look a little fitter when you’re out in the field tonight.

Ahhh, the good old days…

Make fun of the 80s all you want. But, that was a time when women really knew how to slut it up for the gym. I never really went to the gym back then, I was in my teens. But the movie Perfect used to come on cable all the time. I must have seen it 200 times and still have no idea what it’s about. I just know that Jamie Lee Curtis wears lots of spandex outfits and does a lot of what we call today – strip aerobics. 

Today, women do yoga. They wear pajamas and stretch. And they wonder why they’re fat. 

Today, gym’s offer special discounts for you to join. When the Larry Tonic Gym opens, we’re going to have a class called Perfect Spandex where no one is allowed in unless they’re wearing spandex. And we have a hottie like Jamie Lee Curtis (80′s version) teach by thrusting, jiggling and gyrating around. Classes are free to members, but 10 dollars to watch.

Operators are standing by.

Take those classes at the gym

If you go to a gym, you’ve probably walked by one of those classes filled with women doing aerobics or spinning on stationary bikes. These classes are usually free to all members but it seems that only women and gay guys attend. One day, I attended the spin class and it was awesome. It’s really easy to meet women in this class. Most of the women are wearing tight, sweaty clothes. The gay guys aren’t going to c-block you. The women are in really good shape and buzzing with endorphins. I don’t even need to be clever when it comes to making a move. A simple approach with a “Please tell me this class gets easier ” is enough to open a conversation. Next class, she’s probably there again. So relationships can progress naturally.

Metal: The new steroid.

I love heavy metal music. I don’t care if it’s not cool. I love it. The only problem is, you can’t just sit on a chair and listen to heavy metal. You either have to be drinking beer, hanging out with buddies or working out. That’s one of the reasons I like to workout. It’s a chance for me to listen to heavy metal music. 

For some reason every gym I go to plays disco/party music. Metal gets you pumped up to lift more and add an extra 5 minutes to your cardio after you feel you can’t go on. Below are the songs that occupy my iPod shuffle:

ANTHRAX

What Does’t Die

Nobody Knows Anything

DIO

Jesus, Mary and the Holy Ghost

We Rock

Stand Up and Shout

Don’t Talk to Strangers

The Last In Line

FEAR FACTORY

What Will Become?

Back the Fuck Up

Shock

 

JUDAS PRIEST

Jugulator

Blood Stained

Dead Meat

Death Row

Bullet Train

 

KITTIE

Spit

Brackish

 

METAL CHURCH

Ton of Bricks

Metal Church – the song

 

NASHVILLE PUSSY

Go Motherfucker Go

 

PANTERA

Cowboys From Hell

Primal Concrete Sledge

 

RUN – DMC

King of Rock (Not metal but the song rocks)

 

SLAYER

Angel of Death

Piece By Piece

Necrophobic

Altar of Sacrifice

Jesus Saves

Criminally Insane

Reborn

Epidemic 

Postmortem

Raining Blood

Aggressive Perfector

 

I don’t feel like typing out the rest. I don’t know how to cut and paste from my playlist. The rest is Slipknot, Fight (Rob Halford’s band after he left Judas Priest) and King Diamond. If you’d like a free workout CD, send an e-mail to larry@larrysmaleescorts.com.

When did swimming become cool?

25 years ago, I was a bad-ass mother fucking swimmer. You know who cared? No one. I didn’t make it to the Olympics or anything. But, if there was a professional swimming league like the NFL, I’d be on it. I was almost as fast a Phelps. I was just as tall. I was just as awkward. I was just a skinny. No one ever attended our swim meets. Our losing football team would pack them in. We had the best swim team in Florida and I was one of the best swimmers. Did it get me laid? No. Most of the time the bleachers were empty as some of the fastest swimmers in Florida swam back and forth. Where were in you 1988 Phelps?